I was unhappy because I had begun to let people tell me who I am and how I should live my life. I did this in high school, until I switched schools. I did this at the end of university, before moving back to LA. I did this, again, when I started my first entry-level career job, before leaving early on mental health grounds. LOL. Every time I do this, it makes makes me dispirited, and every time I learn AGAIN that even though it’s easier to do what you’re told, it makes me fucking miserable.
I feel I should clarify. I’m not embarrassed for leaving early on mental health grounds. For the first time in my life, I feel validated in my mental health. I used to think I was just crazy, I used to think I was overreacting. Now I know how I feel should be taken seriously, and deserves to be taken serious by others, too.* It is not craziness, but an acute awareness of something not being right in my life, and a need to change it.
This most recent experience, I kept hearing a line I’d performed as Lil Clitty in my head at University.
“Bad, bitch, that’s a switch.
Honestly, I used to be mute
took my clue and closed my mind,
decided not to find what was really inside of me.
just being what they see,
but always a fire inside of me.”“Bad Bitch”, March 2014
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I remembered this moment, how it felt to stand up in front of my peers and say what I truly felt. I remembered how it felt afterwards, how supportive people were and how welcomed I felt by my community. I remembered how relieved I felt to finally express myself.
remembered this moment, how it felt to stand up in front of my peers and say what I truly felt. I remembered how it felt afterwards, how supportive people were and how welcomed I felt by my community. I remembered how relieved I felt to finally express myself.
I heard another poem forming in my head. I wrote it down and read it back whenever I felt like I couldn’t do it, couldn’t make the change happen that I knew I needed.
“You’re not going to let
heart break, fire, and fear
keep you where you are.
keep you insincere.
You’re going to tell them,
tell them you’re truth.
The bad bitch is back,
no questioning, just proof.”“Bad Bitch is Back”, December 2018
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*I want to thank my manager and my company for taking my mental health claim seriously, for allowing me to take an extended lunch to see a therapist every week, and for making sure that I felt valued and appreciated for my time and achievements when I finished.
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PS. Write your own Bad Bitch poem, I want to read it! 🙂