Silence

Image by rajta from Pixabay

“So that’s why Jesus said, ‘The meek will inherit the earth’.” I’m driving home from the Sara Maitland talk with my AirBnB host Jon, a retired pastor, and we’re discussing Abraham. Jon admires Abraham, the way he listened to the voice of God even when he disagreed. Even when He told him to kill his first born son, he still listened. Sara, too was fascinated by Abraham, by the legacy that he created from his journey into the Sinai Desert. What voice told him to walk for 40 years, what voice told him to stop? Was it an actual voice? Was it God?

Until this moment, I thought the original quote was “The Geeks will Inherit the Earth,” as that’s my family’s theme song. But now I know, I Fight Dragons were quoting Jesus. Obvi duhh! Jon explained this meekness as being subservient to the will of God. But what did that mean? And what does that mean to someone who doesn’t believe in God, but is agnostic-ish? What does that mean to the rest of society who are atheist or secular or confused? And yet it rang with insight and truth. “The meek will inherit the earth.”

From my experience going through my latest depression, I felt this to be true. A major cause of my depression was because I stopped listening to myself (or the voice inside myself, or the voice of God?) and listened to society. I had a traumatic experience that I wasn’t ready to process, and instead filled my life with distractions. I made sure that I was never alone, that I was always moving, always doing something. I moved house twice; I kept thinking it was because my room was so small that I was unhappy.

It wasn’t until I was alone on a business trip in Vienna that I realized it wasn’t my life that was making me unhappy, it was me. I was unhappy on the inside, not the outside. I was living the dream – international business woman working in publishing. And yet, I didn’t care for the fancy dinners, the expensive hotel room, the meetings with high profile Gastroenterologists. It wasn’t that this wasn’t exciting and interesting; it was that I didn’t find it exciting or interesting.

One night, I was walking past St Stephen’s Cathedral and saw that it was still open. I popped in just for a second just because I could. Sitting in the Cathedral admiring the ceilings, the paintings, the glass, I felt a profound silence. I felt at peace. My eyes tingled with beauty and holiness and my soul was stunned to clarity.

I quieted myself, and listened. I sat until they kicked me out. I wandered back to my hotel and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I promised myself I would never forget that feeling. I had felt that way before, but I hadn’t felt that way in so long. I needed to change something, I didn’t know what. I just knew that I needed to feel that feeling again. I spent the rest of my business trip dreaming.


Read the next post in the series “Indecision”

Read the first post in the series “Hi Again”.

Check out the full list of blog posts “How to Value Your Own Thoughts”


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *