I didn’t realize I was on a date with a girl until she said, “So my friend told me you might be interested in this being a date.” We’d been talking for nearly two hours at a pub. We both wore colourful clothes (in London, that’s big!), we both loved poetry, and we both worked in publishing. We had the same favourite painting, The Scapegoat by William Holman Hunt. She was perfect.
But was this sexual, romantic, or friendship, I didn’t know. I felt something like desire, but I wasn’t sure and didn’t say anything. And then we began to talk about our ‘boy troubles’. We both had a lot of difficult ex-boyfriends. After we started to share experiences, I felt very safe with her, but our relationship no longer felt sexual or romantic. Perhaps, like Oscar Wilde said, “Everything in life is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Because we had removed sex from the table, there was no longer a concept of power between us. We were just two people getting to know each other who might become friends.
Even though I felt desire, it had been a very challenging day. In the morning, I had attended a conference on the Refugee Crisis. In the afternoon, I had attended a protest to support the homeless community in London. And in the evening, I had gone on my first date with a girl. It was too much. I decided that even though I was most likely bisexual, figuring out my sexuality was not my priority. The thought of trying to explain this to my parents and friends gave me a lot of anxiety, and I did not feel ready to hear their judgement. I chose to focus on refugees, homelessness, and activism instead of who I wanted to have sex with. I figured that if it was meant to happen, it would just happen.
Despite choosing to de-prioritize my sexual needs, like clock work a week before my period, I always found myself downloading a dating app or organizing a date.
Even if I didn’t want to have sex, my vagina had other plans. And vagina is queen. She always gets what she wants. I am just a vessel for her desires.
That’s how I found myself on a Bumble date with someone who had “emerald green eyes, messy brown locks, and a charming smile” – and in the midst of my emotional chaos, I fell in love.
Read the next post in the series, “You Can Suck My Clit”
Check out the rest of the blog posts from how to value your own thoughts.