Bringing back my column, because well, I’ve been having some mental health issues again – and I need to speak. Don’t worry – I have a therapy appointment on Thursday, so that will also help. But in this day and age, therapists are busy and scheduled, and I still feel uncomfortable to call up a friend and just let it all out. Mostly because I still feel bad about sharing my unhappiness and frustrations with everyone. Also, they keep trying to give me advice or tell me what I should do or share their own experience, which is great and helpful and lovely, but also – honestly, I just need to let it out.
Things have been difficult these last few months. After licking my wounds for a few months / trying to save the world and realizing the world’s problem is a gaping wound flooding blood everywhere and one person isn’t going to do the job, many people working together are required. And also, you can’t really help out if you can’t stop crying all the time and have no clue what you are doing or how to help and thus keep hurting yourself and others in the panic. Nope, nope nope! I realized that change is small and constant, and that to save the world, the world needs to save itself. And as a small micro-element of the world, by saving myself, I am saving the world.
And thus, I am back in the city that I first ran away from, Calabasas. I hated growing up in Calabasas. It is here that I first experienced oppression, rejection, alienation, bullying, embarrassment, humiliation, shame, betrayal, anxiety, depression and all those other negative emotions that I basically pretended didn’t exist. I mean, it’s also here that I first experienced love, friendship, trust, laughter, joy, adventure, pleasure, calm, belonging.
I am starting to realize that in life the good and the bad are always present, and it is about focusing on the good. Man, you really have to train your brain to do that!! It’s the whole, half-cup full saying. I thought I was a half-cup full person, until I realized I was actually just a pretend-half-the-cup-doesn’t-exist-person even though it’s making you feel anxious and depressed and make you feel sorry to exist… As I said in a poem “Happiness is a Choice”, “In my relationship with people, / I like to be a dream /that baby talk whimsical / lollipop mystical beam of light. /Who wants to be REAL?!” WELP. That was unhealthy. Turns out real is good, real is great, real is magical!
Actually, the thing I’m really trying to train my brain to do is see the bad not as bad, but as good, too. It is good because it allows me to learn, to grow, and provides feedback in the direction of my learning and growing. It helps me to understand what is going on and what I need to do in order to change the current feeling into something that feels right. Also, doing what is right does not always feel good. Actually, it rarely feels good. It feels fucking so painful and terrifying and scary, and then afterwards, that’s when it feels amazing.
Although there is a whole art to this good is good and bad is good, because well, you gotta accept that you ain’t all powerful. There are a lot of things outside of your control that you gotta put up with while trying to save yourself and in doing so change the world.
Change is slow, change is constant, and it first starts with yourself. It’s babysteps. And while I wish I could just magically transform into my authentic self that is assertive and lives with love instead of fear that isn’t afraid to speak her truth in person, doesn’t have a flipping anxiety monologue over sharing ‘bad’ thoughts and feelings, I can’t. Writing, for me, is still the way I am best able to do that. It has its limitations, but it’s worked pretty well as a coping strategy, and also – I’m a pretty good writer because of it — but GAHHHH I wish I could just speak the words in my brain out loud without feeling like I’m guilty and everyone is going to reject me because I’m not a bundle of joy and happiness all the fucking time!
Baby steps. Baby steps.
PS. I will not be editing these – these will be free writes because this bitch do not have time to edit herself, so sorry if there are grammar mistakes or over-generalizations or nonsensical ramblings or things are not related. I need one SPACE where I don’t have to monitor myself, and well – right now – none are in the real world! THANK YOU INTERNET SPACE.