Another day, another despairing crisis of to yoga or to homework, and I pick homework. URG! I rarely pick self-care, hell! I feel guilty picking self-care. The thoughts of spending lots of money on something that makes me and only me feel fucking wonderful makes me feel ashamed and guilty. Probably some childhood trauma there growing up in Calabasas and attending St Andrews and being disgusted by fuck money behaviors of my peers and community. Oh well! That’s how I feel even though I know NOW that in order to take care of others, you have to take care of yourself and that taking care of yourself requires money. More than that there are basic needs that all humans have that have to be met, some require money, some do not. You can have a bunch of friends, but it won’t help your need for sexual expression or intimacy or mutuality or closeness or companionship! Oh by the way, getting my list of needs from the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Their book, Nonviolent Communication, changed my life and helped me to realize that I was an ’emotional slave’ because in order to be happy, you have to have your needs met, but people who are ‘good’ usually have to sacrifice their needs for the happiness of others, and I was trying to be a good girl. Hence, why I’m now calling myself a bad bitch.
In order to be happy, I have to stop being good. Isn’t that the contradiction of the century!?!?!?
And yet – that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to get my needs met, and sometimes its gonna upset people, sometimes I’m not gonna agree with what’s going on, but I need to do it! My thoughts and feelings are valuable, too. Ideally, both of us can get our needs met through effective communication, that’s what I’m working towards. Hell, that’s my whole purpose in life for now – to learn how to communicate effectively, and then teach people how to do that. I think that language arts are a requirement in order to do so, hence why I’m studying to become an Language Arts teacher. I prefer Language Arts teacher to English because well it could be any language or any culture and language is a creative art! It is creation, constant creation! Oh the beauty of a sentence, what art!
Anyhow, I’m writing this because I’m quite frustrated at myself, I am 140% not getting my needs met right now and I know something needs to change. More than that I know that I need to do something to get my needs met, that it is my responsibility and mine alone to advocate for myself. I cannot rely on anyone else, even though I’m currently working in a job where I am the person that helps advocate because due to developmental disabilities the person can’t. But I don’t have developmental disabilities. I can talk, I can think, I can write, I can read, I can count, I can regulate my emotions, I can reflect, I can question, I can remember. So I have no excuses! And like I said, how can I advocate for these individuals if I can’t even advocate for myself!!
It’s so hard though, much easier done in theory – to say what you are actually thinking! Oh my gosh – insanityyyyyy!! And yet, I must. I have decided to do what makes me happy. That’s what my parents said during my breakdown, “We just want you to be happy.” And with that, I quit my job and moved to Greece. But now I’m back from Greece, and more than that Greece is a living hell right now with injustice and trauma happening left and right. The people there need advocates! I’m trying to be an advocate here in my community, joined Rotary, working with a LA based education charity for refugee and asylum seekers, I’m trying but first it starts with me advocating for my needs first.
Writing this blog posts meets a few of my needs: authenticity, self-expression, joy, spontaneity, space, understanding, creativity, consciousness, presence, and most obviously communication!
I’m missing a few – but the number one thing is exercise! I am not getting enough exercise. Let’s start there.