Sammy Says: The New Dream

Run towards your dreams. That is what I wrote on a blank piece of paper on Wednesday morning when I started my self-quarantine. See, my Dad went to a conference in Washington D.C. and someone there was diagnosed with Corona Virus, and so he was self-quarantined. I started to feel sick and freaked out! I thought it was just stress, but with all that I had read, I was not sure about anything and thought it best to go to the doctors. Also, I really needed a sick day. I told myself I’m allowed to call in sick if I feel sick. I wanted to have a mental health day last week as I had some deadlines and felt overwhelmed. I tried to be professional about it, asked for a day or a half day, but my manager said no. I accepted my fate, woke up early, went to bed late. I worked hard, but fuck, I cried.

I cried in the morning on the way to work, I cried after work on the way to class. I didn’t cry at work though. I do love the people I support. They are wonderful and kind and interesting. They are accepting and thoughtful and positive. It’s the people without disabilities that I find difficult.

Anyhow, I was crying and feeling miserable and telling myself, I’m unhappy, something must change, it’s going to happen again, something must change. All the while, I’m getting promoted at work and being told my essay is perfect and “Can I use it as an example for next year?”. But I’m miserable. After being honest with myself the first time, it’s a lot easier every time after. See, you can’t just be honest with yourself once. It’s an ongoing process that is happening all the time.

Being honest with yourself is a way of life. Now, when something happens to me, instead of thinking, “How am I supposed to feel right now?” or “What does that person want me to feel or do?”, I think “How do I really feel?”. That’s step one. The second step is sharing that. And the third, the third step is acting on it! That third step, boy it’s a big gap but it is everything!

So I did it. I called in sick, and I went to the doctors. They flipped when I said I was near someone who may have COVID-19. Made me sit away from everyone, my own entrance – had me use a phone to call the doctor. It was odd. It was scary. They thought it was just the normal flu, but gave me a doctor’s note for 7 days just to be safe. And away I went.

The universe had gifted me 7 days to get my life together. Except, well that’s when the universe also decided that a global pandemic was happening. The epidemic scientists had been preparing for was happening. Everything shut down. Everything is shut down. It is happening as we speak, and it’s fucking terrifying. The whole world over. It could be like this for months.

As my sister said, “It’s the end of how it’s been, but it’s not the end.” Very wise and optimistic! I can only imagine what it’s like for her – her first year of college cut off because of the virus. All her friends are coming home. Classes are online.

And yet, I wasn’t surprised. When I was in Greece, I had a vision. I knew that something terrible was coming. I came home, and I told my family exactly that, “Something terrible is coming and we need to prepare.” No one listened.

I said, “When you see a 12 year old child who has walked from Yemen or Eritrea or Mali on his own to an island in Greece, you know something terrible is happening there. They are trying to keep it out of the West, but it’s coming.”

And now it is here. This is only the beginning. Things are going to get much worse if we don’t listen. The universe is telling us something. The fires, the weather, the anxiety in your chest, the health issues, the suicides, the universe is speaking to us. We have to stop ignoring it, and continuing on like nothing has happened. We need to tell the truth to ourselves, and we need to act accordingly.

There is something off in the global consciousness, and yet to fix it, it starts on an individual level. Every single person needs to be the change they wish to see in the world. That is my new dream.

My old dream was to work in publishing and live the cultured life – art galleries, launch parties, poetry readings, book events, theater, concerts, dance, markets, museums, travel, and more! I lived it, I made it real, and it was wonderful and glorious and divine, and it changed me.

My new dream is to teach people how to communicate effectively so that we can create the universe of our dreams.

And I think, while we’re all quarantined – this is the perfect time to start.