I’m going to start just writing straight onto my blog no editing, no word document first. This is new for me. For most of my blog experience, I treated it like a writing sample hoping one day some editor or literary agent would see my writing and be like, ehh youuu come write for us! Job, job, validation, acceptance, belonging, accolade! But now my dreams have changed. I tried for the longest time to pretend that they didn’t, to ignore my experience and continue to work towards the vision I had for myself at 17. But yeahhh, it caused me a lot of pain. It was the death of a dream. That’s what I’ve been experiencing for the last year or two. The death of a dream.
I haven’t wanted to write about it yet, because it was too painful. The blovel I wrote, How to Value Your Own Thoughts, was written about something that happened a year and a half after it happened. To write about what I was going through then, well it was too painful. Even writing about what happened to me a year and a half ago was still raw. To be honest, there is really no measuring stick or moment when you’re ready to write about something that happened to you. It happens when its meant to happen.
Well, this whole pandemic has got me feeling confessional. Also, I’ve started to cry again. The way I did before I quit my job and changed my whole life. I made some rules after my last experience:
1. If you cry before work about work, quit. Quit and never look back.
2. If you think about quitting at least three times, you must do something about it. Emergency RED flag! It’s time to look for your next opportunity.
Last time, I said I wanted to quit, and then six months passed as fear, fear, fear until I couldn’t stop crying. I cried three mornings in a row going to work, and that’s when I got mad. This voice inside me said, “I deserve better than this.” Another voice, my parents said – “We just want you to be happy.”
That was the thing I knew. I knew it too well. I was unhappy. Something needed to change, but what? I had to be honest with myself. It was so hard, everything after that moment has been easy. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
There’s this beautiful song by the Avett Brothers that captures this feeling so perfectly. It is the moment he speaks in the middle that connects to my experience the most:
“I can make my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my lover, my neighbor, my friends all happyTell the Truth, Avett Brothers
Give of myself whatever they ask
But without this single truth it is only emptiness that I cast
Well, it’s time to tell the truth again. To myself. And for some reason typing it out on my blog provides me the validation I need to take my thoughts seriously. I have struggled with my whole life to do that, to put my needs first. When I publish them on my blog, I feel strong, I feel validated. It feels like I am actually saying them. Even though saying them in my head to myself should be enough, it’s not.
Call it over-sharing, call it weird, call it annoying, call it narcissistic, call it whatever you want, it works for me. It is my coping mechanism, and it has been helping me for a long time.
Thanks for reading, thanks for validating my thoughts. I hope to do the same to yours. I am here, I am listening. I share my truth not because I want you to listen, but because I want you to share yours too.
I think the world would be a much better place if people were not afraid to be vulnerable and share their truth. I was talking with a new friend recently, and we were discussing that the Bible/Jesus / Religion / Buddha has these rules we’re supposed to follow, and we know these rules – but to truly live by them, that is hard. So fucking hard.
I wish I had studied religion and could drop a load of quotes that prove that point, but I can’t.
So here’s a Bible quote even though I’ve only read book one #jewish!
Let us not love in words or speech but with actions and in truth.1 John 3:18
I’ve been on a journey ever since.
Trying to live by my words, listen to my truth.
See I have a new dream, a new vision. It’s terrifying, it’s electric – and I need a lot of support to make it come true.