November Reflection Poem 2020

Listen to the video while reading.

family & friends & gratitude

as pandemic power dynamic political

people flailing anxiety

relationship crisis isolated

I don’t belong here!!

change, quit, cry, fight

find yourself again & again

same goal, same Sammy

stop worrying, stop researching

social distance pandemic blues

and acceptance & disappointment

and what is a life? 

quality life, meaning, purpose, dreams,

visions, surges, masks, stats –

wake up and walk to Starbucks,

life makes sense then,

til the laptop lifts

& overwhelm.

This month has been a challenging month. I finally made the changes I had been ruminating about doing since September. I still have this thought cycle that happens about every two weeks that I don’t belong here, that I don’t belong anywhere. I tell myself, you are here, therefore you belong here. Where ever you is where you belong, and if you don’t feel like you belong it is because of external stimuli – and thus, a sign that you must make changes. I have made some changes. I am starting to feel better. One of the changes I am making is writing a reflection poem on the first Sunday of the new month and sharing it on my blog.

I will also share a reflection strategy and my thoughts. I will do a 3-2-1 below! I would love to see your monthly reflection answers.

3 Things I Learned:

  1. I learned that the thoughts in the back of my head that return again and again that I sometimes think are just anxiety or my neuroticism, and thus not true but just a ‘crazy voice inside my head’ that is just fear and not real and should be kept in a cage and ignored, are actually very important and should be listened to. If I don’t listen to them, they will haunt me until I cannot control my mouth and a trigger will force them into the universe. I will feel cleansed and clear, but I will also wish I had listened to them much sooner.
  2. I learned the term ‘relationship building routine’. Since COVID- I think all my natural/ organic relationship building routines have gone out the door. It has sent me into a panic, and caused me a lot of social anxiety, overwhelm, guilt, and isolation. I don’t know who to call, I don’t know what I can do with friends / family, I don’t know people’s boundaries. I don’t know if people actually want to do things together. I don’t know about going to virtual events, or much about the virtual events. And sometimes I go to them, and I feel like no one cares that I am there. I think there are too many virtual events that I am not sure which ones to actually go to. And now, I can go to virtual events with people all over the world, not limited to those who live near me. How do we build a social life and meet our wellness needs within the constraints of our pandemic? How do we feel supported, empowered, connected, seen, heard, loved, appreciated, recognized, valued, and a sense of belonging with the limits we are choosing for our safety and the safety of others? How do we be part of a community? How do we support those in need of support? The word ‘relationship building routines’ made me aware of the need that is missing in my life. And yet it has left me with more questions!
  3. I learned that social media is a trigger of mine, especially Instagram, Facebook, texting, Twitter, LinkedIn and that I need to figure out this tool before it gives me an emotional concussion and isolates me even more from my community.

2 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful for the teaching community during my teaching credential at CSUCI. The professors, my peers, GroupMe’s, the Tomorrow’s Teachers Club. Working on my teaching credential this semester has kept me grounded during the pandemic. I am thankful to be able to continue on my path, and the wonderful people that have supported, empowered, encouraged, and wondered with me along the way. One more semester! Job applications begin in February! AHHHHH.
  2. I am thankful to all those who went out to vote! This is our country, our society, our community! Excited for the future that we are building together, a more just, loving, and equitable society.

1 Thing I Need Help With:

  1. I need help with social media and friendship and community. I don’t know why but I feel so overwhelmed and isolated sometimes. I don’t understand life and I start to find everyone and everything an obligation, and everything feels wrong and I just want to run away. What is this? What can I do to not feel this way? What do you do to make yourself feel better? What structures and systems do you use? Also, how do you show people you appreciate them? And what about birthdays? I am so confused by birthdays, especially during the pandemic!