Week 2 of teaching. Feeling bleh! It is hard but rewarding. The problem is not what happens in the classroom, the problem is the support outside of it. I don’t have teacher friends at school, and I still live with my family. I have found when talking to peeps about teaching that they want to tell me what to do in my classroom. They want to tell me what they would do, or what their favorite teacher did. Which is great! But- doesn’t help me or give me the support that I need. I think that is what teacher-friends are for! I have a few, but they are applying for jobs and it is still mostly virtual since we did our whole credentials online. I still feel nervous and like they don’t really know me! I still feel scared to be disgustingly vulnerable to get the help that I need.
I see all these webinars and resources- but the people who teach them are far away! I don’t need an expert far away, I need an expert right here- someone who I trust who can support me. Ugh. And it’s another culture where no one has drinks, no one eats lunch together. Small moments of small talk that remind you, you are a human! And then just work, work, work. I feel depleted. I come home and everyone annoys me and yet I just want them to love me. Want them to ask me about my day, and tell me I am doing a great job, and allow me to brainstorm out loud. Instead, I try to avoid my Grandpa who will just share more about his health problems and worries and boredom.
The guy I thought might be the support, who has a teaching credential and seemed solid, was not solid. Another guy who still hasn’t processed his trauma and isolates himself instead of getting help. It’s exhausting. Seems like no one has the skills or life experience I need to support me that lives near me. Trying to build new relationships here, but it is so so so hard. And the drive and the suburbs and the lack of a center. Ugh — and it is so damn depressing – there is no love, just survival in the Valley. Small secret gushes of hearts in the mom and pop survivors and then chains and chains and chains and wires and cars and cars and gates and apartment buildings that all look the same.
I wish I didn’t feel depressed and powerless driving around. I wish I didn’t dream about the places I’ve been – the beauty. The love. Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish.
I am trying to stay, to stay in my home and make it the kind of place I love— and speak to the people in the community so that we can all get our needs met, can I live in a community we love!
And yet – it is a fight. I fight tonight. I am going to get on my bike and go on an adventure to 818 Brewing. I will tell you how it goes.
See isn’t that pick GORGEOUS? Lake Geneva and Lausanne.
WHAT”S WRONG WITH WANTING TO LIVE SOMEWHERE BEAUTIFUL!!??!?!