Oh – good morning! Good morning my bloggo readers — I appreciate you reading this. Sometimes being a teacher feels like being the seer but never seen! How much I just want someone to tell me I am amazing — and yet, what – being an adult feels like you have to learn how to say that to yourself without becoming arrogant and haughty and narcissistic, while also fighting all the energy that says, “you are not good enough, you are not worthy, you should be better,” because we live in a capitalist society where we must fight for our value on the daily. We deserve nothing! We must earn everything – even though those who control the earnings and who earns primarily inherited their earnings or they had nothing and learned to put themselves first no matter what, work, work, work! And are absolutely traumatized.
And thus, these two polar power sources (personally I think Democrats vs Republicans — at least those who are in power in those parties and fund them!) use us as pawns while they wittle it out. Old money and new money! Although one of my friends told me recently that her boyfriend’s family are staunch conservatives who go on about how lazy democrats are and how they are always taking handouts, while they are all three unemployed, taking hand outs, and refusing to get jobs! The Democrat who lives with them, my friend, is in full-time school and full-time work to be a social worker! I am starting to think that we are all telling each other lies to ourselves, and to everyone. People have become delusional- a coping mechanism for dealing with trauma and stress – denial. Denial of the reality to preserve one’s ego!
I have family members doing that right now- and the worst is when they project it onto you! All their misery and suffering and inability to make changes in their lives, or fear of making changes in their lives – they shout at you, they blame you. You do not work hard enough! You should do this! You should do that- you are like this! You are like that! Cannot accept reality that they are the problem, they need to change! How do you help these people? The ones you see trapped in their own minds? I was one of them. I was one of them!
I still am sometimes. Different challenges. There is one I have been suffering from the most — it is friendships. I have recognized that I grew up chronically lonely. I never felt understood or seen by people for who I was. I have been performing since the first time I moved countries at 3 years old. I did what I needed to do to survive. Even though I do have friends now and feel some people understand me for who I truly am, and that I accept me for who I truly am (my body hair is a reflection of this acceptance!), I get triggered or have challenges – and it is like I am 5 again afraid my friends will reject me or hit me or scream at me if I tell them no, and going to write write write all my thoughts down because no one feels safe, no one feels safe.
From where I am now, it was inevitable I would have a rape experience. I learned that I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries. I learned that a good girl gives people what they want, and that I was a good girl. And a smart person does what they are told, follows instructions, does not need to ask questions. A smart person gives people what they want so they will praise them and tell them they are smart. Ugh — all learned before the age of 18. These damaging prophesies of oppression and control and silencing the voice inside my soul.
Thank God that voice is interwoven with my nervous system and functioning and could make the tears appear before my conscious mind said, “you are miserable.” How many months, years, I lied to myself! Lied to others- a character, a performer, a mask.
I choose to be authentic. I choose to be authentic. I choose to be authentic.
The students in my class see through this! They see this rift in our society. One of my students wrote how everyone is lying to each other. He wrote, “The only difference between me and someone in therapy is I don’t wallow in my problems.” He is really anti-therapy! He thinks the whole relationship requires honesty to work, and people constantly lie to themselves and others all the time, so therapy will never work. Oh, he sees it all. He sees it all!
They know that politicians do not really care about them, they care about their careers. They feel they have no access to the ones who are meant to represent them. They feel the administrators and teachers are there to tell them what to do, not empower them to get the education they need to achieve the success they are worthy of.
Oh my students— how long it took for them to share, what are you interested in? What do you care about? Numb, numb, numb!
The process keeps happening and happening and happening. Do as I say, not as I do! Listen to me because I am in charge, because I am old, and taller than you and have a deep voice and intimidate you and make you feel bad about yourself and feel dumb, and scary. This world is a nightmare sometimes.
I was worried that working in a high school would trigger me– but I have realized that the kids who I hated in school, who made my life a nightmare — they are not here. They may be the teachers, but they are sure as fuck not the students in summer school at an Art school in LA.
They are lawyers, they are teachers, they are agents and producers and CEOs, but they sure as fuck aren’t kids in summer school. Those kids were the minority anyway, and the only people who liked them were other teachers who love attention. Thank God we have professional entertainment now so we don’t have to have narcissists in the classroom. They can just go be influencers and Comedians and actors and what not instead of teaching the children, which is probably what they did before social media.
Okay – rumble rant over! hahaha — thoughts?