Well, it’s a ramble today. I was feeling all sad. My plans got canceled and I canceled plans because I just felt so tired and needed to come into myself. And then, when I was in myself, I felt trapped and powerless and overwhelmed and frustrated and tired and detached. As you know, I am living in Los Angeles — well, in the suburbs with my parents. I did not like being in this house- not until COVID. It feels like an island – like there is no world or life going on. It feels so hard to connect with people. They are all literally miles away. To go to them, I would have to get in a car (bad for the environment) and drive at least 20 minutes in order to be surrounded by people. I have friends who are closer now, but they still feel so far away. I feel so nervous to call them, to bother them. Afraid I will find out that they didn’t invite me or that I am not as close to them as I thought. I feel afraid that instead of support, I will get judgement, I will get other people who are also in need of help and support and we will just trigger each other in a cycle and it will never stop.
I can’t stop thinking that friendships and relationships are so different here. Work comes first. Friendship is hard work, an inconvenience since everyone lives so far, better to keep your friendship circle small. Plus, since it is all about work – you never know who will try to use you or take advantage of your friendship for their own personal game. No, no. Trust no one. Be incredibly exclusive. Ughh.
I know there are people here who are different. It is predominantly the affluent, mainstream culture – but there are pockets and people of counter-culture. But it feels like fighting a current always. I want to stop this mindset. I think it a traumatized child mindset and that most people in LA need to do some inner child work. I can see it playing out in my classroom already – the way they struggle to work in groups. The way they go off like a rocket when they get something wrong or someone disagrees with them.
Right now though, I am contemplating my own self-care and self-love. While doing yoga tonight, I knew deeply that I was being neglectful to myself and that I wasn’t getting my needs met. I know the thing I am not doing is eating. I eat coffee and some fruit at 7am, and then maybe a bar around 10am, and then I don’t have lunch until 4pm – which is usually snacky, and then I have dinner with the family. I lost my water bottle so I didn’t get enough water today. (Just went to go get my glass). When I am stressed, I become self-neglectful. I was like this in high school too, part of my codependency and believing that I don’t deserve love and attention – that to take care of oneself is selfish and narcissistic. This is because I grew up in Calabasas in a community that worships narcissism (the Kardashians live here!). People see me as thin and get jealous I am so tiny, but I feel like I look like a bony thing, a malnourished puppet, and wish I was more full and round.
I have also decided to go plant-based. After watching What the Health and Kiss the Ground – I am super committed. I ate Korean BBQ a few nights ago and got these terrible heart palpitations and felt disgusting. I have no interest in eating meat anymore. I have found loads of resources online – but what I need is a group of people to go grocery shopping with and meal plan with and cook with. My family is supportive, but they don’t want to do it with me. They just want to eat whatever I make and complain if it tastes bad. There are all these apps and cookbooks and meal planners and youtubers and so many virtual things — but I need real people! I need people who live near me. As I said, I need people to grocery shop, meal plan, cook, and eat with. It needs to be convenient – people who live near me, are around me.
I’ve told a few people, said I am thinking of starting a group. How does one start a group? Well, my friend Max at Overdue did it. I can do it, too! I have thought about instagramming about it. What would the idea be? I would like people to share recipes, and a weekly grocery shop. Perhaps we go to the Calabasas Farmers Market or the Encino Farmers Market together on Saturdays? I like that idea. Simple. We meet before – discuss our meal plans and grocery lists, bring books, share apps, and resources – and then we shop together. Then we go!
Well that sounds like a done deal. I do love grocery shopping on Saturdays! Pair that with a hike, and it’s just delightful.
ACTION: Create an image and text for Instagram/Facebook – and post on NextDoor/ Facebook/ Instagram and collab with Calabasas Rotary and Friends of the Calabasas Library and Literary Pixie.
Okay- I feel better about that idea. I am gonna put it in my calendar.
Now, I need to talk about exercise, and community, and home/sanctuary and sleep, and creativity play, and preparing for next semester. These are the things I’m worrying about. I knoww, you’re thinking – why is she publishing this on a blog. What is a blog for but for sharing thoughts! I need one space I can be honest and feel heard- and I am so thankful for the friend that reached out after reading these rambling things.