Sad Sunday

Having one of those sad Sundays. I woke up late and went to a meeting and just felt utterly confused about what I was supposed to do today, although knowing that I was very much not okay and needed to take care of myself. I’m feeling again a negligence in my self-care. Honestly, I feel kinda lonely and isolated again. I feel like all my self-care needs – the basic tasks for my wellness take excruciating amounts of effort with very little support to make them happen. The word, “relationship-building routines” arrives in my brain again.

I know that to be the best me I can be, I need a certain kind of lifestyle. It’s not an expensive lifestyle, thankfully. It’s just one that has lots of community and lots of exercise and lots of creativity. I have known since I first moved home (but even before when I was in high school) that the lifestyle of the San Fernando Valley is not in alignment with my personal lifestyle choices.

I tried to leave in January, but the universe sent me back with such a force that I have now gotten a job in the Valley! I was going to leave, go back to London, go to South Korea or India – anywhere but here – and yet, I always come back to the same conclusion. It doesn’t matter where I move, the problems I am facing here will follow me everywhere. Or there will be new ones! As I learned from my time in Greece- the grass is not greener on the other side, so just pick your grass and start watering.

I’ve been at home since July 2019, and I have been trying to do that. I have been doing that, and the grass is a little bit greener – thank you Overdue! But today is one of those days, where all I can see is my vision for the grass and how far I have to go.

Right now, I feel like I am the only person with this vision for the grass, the only person working on it. It feels overwhelming and impossible. I fear that I am actually the problem. I should not be here, should find new grass, should stop trying to make the grass better. I fear that I am helping no one by staying here wishing and working for change, just self-abuse and the savior complex thinking I am going to make life so much better for everyone else.

They are happy! They don’t need change. And yet, I know that is not true.

I go back to what my therapist said to me a while a go, “Sammy, you don’t have you change the whole city — you just have to do what you need to do to feel happy and authentic here and have all your needs met.”

I am very aware today that my needs are not being met today. I am very aware that the effort required to get the self-care I need feels overwhelming and exhausting. I keep thinking, there must be a better way!

If you are reading this, please help me! I need support. What needs do you and I share that we can do together and keep each other accountable?

The ones I am struggling the most with are:

  • Plant-based & zero waste lifestyle
  • Going hiking at least once a week
  • Yoga and meditation
  • Expressing and celebrating creativity
  • Communicating congruently aka assertive and nonviolent communication
  • Playing & being silly
  • Community service
  • Exercising every day
  • Growing as a teacher
  • Being part of the solution in our broken system (systemic racism, mental health, enabling, corrupt capitalism, US-centrism, patriarchy, wage-disparity, climate crisis ) and transform from a fear-based society to a love-based society.

Sending lots of love and strength to wherever you are!